For the past month, since coming home from training camp, I have tried to write a blog several times. I’ve tried to write about training camp or different things that I have been processing. I’ve started several, yet never made it past the first paragraph. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to talk about or how to say what I wanted to talk about. Even though I haven’t read any of my fellow squad members’ blogs (because I didn’t want to risk writing something like what they wrote before I even posted once), I still feel comparison rearing its disgusting head.
I keep feeling this expectation that I must be able to eloquently describe what I am going through or share something cool God is teaching me. This expectation that I need to take up a certain amount of your time or be super cheerful. That if I don’t have something beautifully planned out with a story, a lesson and a glorified resolution; I’m not supposed to share it.
This feeling that everything must be… scripted.
However, that is not what I am. That is not how life works. Yet I limit what I say and share because I don’t get it out on time to catch the hype or I don’t feel like it will be worthy of anyone’s attention or that its not inspirational enough.
What would it look like if I wrote for 30 minutes and then I had to post it? That I don’t get to overly edit it, wait for someone else to read it or talk myself out if it? Well, here you go. This is it. This is why I’ve been radio silent and this is why I’m finally back. Honestly, I’m just tired of the expectations that I put on myself to be brilliant at something that I am brand new to. I’m tired of letting the voice in my head convince me that I’m not enough, that my words won’t mean anything to anyone or that people are disappointed in me or will be.
Sometimes you just have to say enough, put something out there and move on with your life. Well… here I am, moving on with life.
Now, I have some amazing blogs to go read from my squad. I’ll see y’all around.
Jackie, I am Joe’s dad and I wish I had meet you at the launch. (Maybe I did, just don’t remember, so many of you racers I meet, so please don’t thank it personally). As a believer, what you said resonates with me so loudly. Even at the age of almost 60. “Who want to listen to me; be inspired by me…….
In all aspects of life, I have discovered this one basic truth about myself. That is that it is easy for me to get my orientation off and loose focus on the “Truth”. Feelings get in the way and I simply forget to remember what God said and what the truth is about the matter. I find myself having to be reminded what God says about me and then hold on to this Truth. Fear can get in my way, fear of all kinds of things, even what people “might think of me”. The truth is i have to be intentional on reminding myself of the actual truth of God.
Hold onto that truth and re-orientate yourself to what God says about you. This is really hard at times, yet He has alway been there with open arms ready to wrap around me when this happen, speaking to me about who i am to Him!
I am excited you are there with Joe and the rest of your team. God is gong to do some amazing things though each of you. I am confident that you are an important role on your team that only you can fill! Hold onto that truth and God will speak and use you in ways you can’t imagine!
Praying for each of you!
Jackie-
First of all, you are inspiring, sweet and adventurous! Every step you take is perfectly amazing. I love that you try new things and smile through the challenge. I love that you question your path (as we all do) but keep moving forward and relish in the journey! Love you girl. Baby steps ??
Jackie, Whaaaatttt !
Love it woman of God! An Incredibly accurate assessment of what most of us think and feel in our sound-bite, impersonal social media world, and culture of being terrible listeners to one another !
Always feeling like our words fall short or could be better said, instead of childlike trust in who we are , whose we are and what we carry in our own uniquely wired one of a kind communication style!
You in 30 minutes just slayed the subtle and sometimes elephant in the room LIE!
Proud of you! keep writing in your spontaneous and extemporaneous way!! So built up and feeling more like I’m ENOUGH 🙂
Jackie!! I love you! You have such a wonderful spunk that is so fun to be around -I’m so excited to be together again, just to enjoy your energy!
Also, I understand the block and the insecurities. I understand the discipline it takes not to over analyze and proof and edit and revise.. but I LOVE this idea of 30 min, totally unscripted. Posting whatever surfaces. And I imagine it brings back so much life!! Proud of you for this, chica!! Keep leaning in