For the past month, since coming home from training camp, I have tried to write a blog several times. I’ve tried to write about training camp or different things that I have been processing. I’ve started several, yet never made it past the first paragraph. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to talk about or how to say what I wanted to talk about. Even though I haven’t read any of my fellow squad members’ blogs (because I didn’t want to risk writing something like what they wrote before I even posted once), I still feel comparison rearing its disgusting head.
I keep feeling this expectation that I must be able to eloquently describe what I am going through or share something cool God is teaching me. This expectation that I need to take up a certain amount of your time or be super cheerful. That if I don’t have something beautifully planned out with a story, a lesson and a glorified resolution; I’m not supposed to share it.
This feeling that everything must be… scripted.
However, that is not what I am. That is not how life works. Yet I limit what I say and share because I don’t get it out on time to catch the hype or I don’t feel like it will be worthy of anyone’s attention or that its not inspirational enough.
What would it look like if I wrote for 30 minutes and then I had to post it? That I don’t get to overly edit it, wait for someone else to read it or talk myself out if it? Well, here you go. This is it. This is why I’ve been radio silent and this is why I’m finally back. Honestly, I’m just tired of the expectations that I put on myself to be brilliant at something that I am brand new to. I’m tired of letting the voice in my head convince me that I’m not enough, that my words won’t mean anything to anyone or that people are disappointed in me or will be.
Sometimes you just have to say enough, put something out there and move on with your life. Well… here I am, moving on with life.
Now, I have some amazing blogs to go read from my squad. I’ll see y’all around.
